pain

Sometimes it makes me feel alive! when I cry my ass off.... it makes me feel, to feel that pain and ache in my heart, that pain is good, at least to me it is.

Lately everyday feels the same.... everyday feel like a routine, I HATE ROUTINE! I promised myself never to fall in to it... I'm falling. I need to stop and feel alive again.... I think I will take Omar's suggestion and join the gym as well, yoga should help


con los pies bien puestos sobre la tierra everybody! it's embarrassing to say that people have changed, and feel too good now! hah what makes you better? in your world you may be but in mine, you just look stupid for thinking that way! too good hah!

Can't change the world, even if we wanted to!

Ugh rampage day! I hate days like this, I hate fighting over the phone with my boss, I just hate it when idiots are above me! I hate it when things don't go my way due to elements beyond my control! When MY plans are destroyed because someone has power over MY time! I need to own business and make what I want of time!!! Alma actually asked me the other day that if I could own a business what would it be... I couldn't answer, I told her I never pictured myself owning a business... I hate business just the name gives me chills, I picture a group of money hungry people!

But if I could own a business what would it be? would I even be capable of achieving such a challenge? It's just such a HUGE responsibility over so many people! The problem is this, what is my passion? so many people have problems identifying their personality or identity, not me! I know who I am, and what I stand for, but what is my passion? life? yes for sure! but my talent? what is my talent? I wonder if everyone else is so sure of themselves and I am the only lost soul... I mean some sing, others dance, paint, draw, invent things, get me? but me... I don't know what is my thing... I hate feeling lost!

I just want happiness!
......

Part 2

Lo que faltaba de Halloween....

Ella con su pistola

Fuimas directo a Fullerton por alla al O.C wachout! hehe... tengo amiga que estudia en esa Universidad, y pues nos invito a un house party de un conosito. Alma y yo recojimos al demonio, spiderman, y al lava carros, chilango decia el!!! jaja y directo al party!

Los amigos de la noche...

Esa vicky me robo una de mis pistolas! jaja


El lava carros



Bad muneca!!!Hot chica!

aqui esta... alla nos encontramos con Robon! Y el luchador de las maquinitas.... un chino k pelea, como un ninja! iiiiYa! jaja y con un luchador pelionero, blah! k me decia lola la trailera! y yo... NO!!! soy la esposa de Mario Almada!! get it right! hay



Halloween como me gusta!!!

...:)

ohhhh....

Hoy me siento bonita, mejor, relax! Tania tubo se segundo bebe... Sebastian! bienvenido al mundo!

La extranoo canon!!! Ella si me entiende! y respeta... ella es mi childhood buddy! haha! todo lo vivido con ella.... no la veo mucho, ella se mudo a AZ pero cuando hablo con ella es como que la mire ayer... como cuando eramos ninas y hablabamos de pendejada y media de los hombres del make up, de ella muy flaca y yo muy gorda! su pelo chino... mi pelo necio, el eye liner! "changa!!!" "fish", vamos al parque! haha los jeans no me quedan! y ya mas grande hablabamos del noz! y los house parties, los libros, los hombres los hombres los hombres!!! the lack of the good ones! jaja Ella con su anotonomia y como no podia pasar la maldita clase! y yo con mi estupido libro de leyes! nuestras vidas muy muy diferentes muy muy! pero aun es la pinche china k conosi en Nimitz! con el mismo corazon y la misma manera de pensar! ahhh como extrano cuando me cantaba por telefono.... esa cansion de son by four...

"Perdona si te estoy llamando en este momento

Pero me hacía falta escuchar de nuevo

Aunque sea un instante tu respiración

Disculpa sé que estoy violando nuestro juramento

Sé que estás con alguien que no es el momento

Pero hay algo urgente que decirte hoy!!!

Que estoy muriendo, muriendo por verte

Agonizando, muy lento y muy fuerte...."

Hay Tanisha!

Y aparte nos se que pedo con San Pancho trip!...

Me compre una shirt nueva to make me happy! que nina i know

I gotta return those shorts I bought for halloween!

Y aun no se si visitar al viejo amigo...

Pero algo es seguro! Me siento mas relax

Y muneca siempre siempre sera el amor de mi vida jeje

....:)

mente en blanco

(SIGH) that's all I feel today... just a big sigh... I'm not sure if it is relieve or more of desperation.... today I came to the realization that everything, my beliefs, all the hopes, the dreams, the thought, the feelings I once had, went to the trash, down the drain, they were mierda....

Why do people appear to be someone they are not, why don't they keep it real! why do they confuse others, and the day they show their true colors I am left with the a 'whatfuck' face!

I gave... I gave it everything I had, I did like the book told me, and I lost... I lost soooo much in process, I lost what I believed in... But everything seem sooo real at the time.... so much passion n feelings..... I always said "good things always come to an end" but no I was wrong and confused.... good things don't come to an end.... if they end they weren't good.... they are disguised as good, but they are evil! super evil and full of negativity!

I am a strong one.... I don't think I had ever falling so low and for soooo long... and it is scary to think I am all alone in this one. I brought it upon myself, and as the woman I am I will get back up... I learned from everything, I don't take any of it back, but I do learn from experiences... I am scared of opening up in the future again.... Only time will tell...

I had it all planed out, everything calculated, Plans? what fucking plans? God laughs at people who make plans...

Am I sad? No... more like mad at myself, because only I have control as to how much people hurt me.... Did I react in a good way? Who knows I did in under impulse, without a thought.... for the first time I did things under impulse "i let myself go" DON'T DO THAT GUYS!!! think it through... you might get hurt...

But over all what was the lesson learned? There are MONSTERS out there dressed as humans ready to attack, ready to suck the life out of people without thinking twice with out a remorse.... Oh I guess we all have to do whatever it takes to make ourselves happy.... I can't believed he picked me.... why me? why out everyone, why would he want to hurt me!!!!

Oh.... where did the time go? When did I grow up?

Yesterday was a rough day, I fought, I felt, I cried, I understood the reality of some people, people who I thought I knew... and at the end all I could do was txt Roger and ask him to make me feel better.... n like always, he knows what to tell me to make me value myself again


And like a child I run to my mom for a hug.... "Aprietame muy fuerte mami" she tells me "me preocupas cuando me pides tus habrasos fuertes" "No me preguntes solo aprietame" and she did (I'm sorry mom, I don't know what I would do if I had me as a daughter...so different, so random, so unpredictable! I'm sorry!)

When did I grow up!!?!???!

When did I grow up to be this person I am now...I need to get away from my own self.... how is that possible?

How long before I feel 'me' again... happy and joyful me! crazy me! loca, si! pero nunca me dejare ser infeliz como otros!

one or two day.... then I live my life again!



"....In the dark of the night i can hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts i still feel full of pain
So i drink and i smoke and i ask you if your ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground


See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while i was dreaming of revelry

....so the time we shared it was PRECIOUS to ME
All the while i was dreaming of revelry

Dreaming of revelry

And i told myself for the way you go, it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods in the dark of the night
Palest of the old moonlight

Everything just felt so INCOMPLETE!

Dreaming of revelry, Dreaming of revelry! "

Music sure helps heal the soul....

Something tells me tomorrow will be a better day.... I feel it, the energies are changing....the winds are blowing in my favor!



..........

Halloween

Parte uno!


Edgar had a party at his house in compton yikes haha no it's not that bad, or i'm just used to the "ghetto"

Gay men! you gotta love them! they are like girls with out the bull shit... example... "Ed do i look fat in this dress?" "like a whale momma! pick another one!" "thank ya baby!" una chica me mentiria!

Army girl, me! Devil, Ed! doll, More!

Aguas con las pistolas! everyone loved my guns, hello! you can't be an army girl with out your gun!!!

that day I met a lil gay indian, he was soooo cute i just wanted to take him home with me, haha n put him on a shelve, like that childrens story.... oh God what was the name... where the indian toy comes to live....i can't remember, but kinda like that haha oh but that boy was so cute! he would laugh abt everything n soooo cute!

.......

halloween is the best! better than moat holidays thats fosore!!!!

...

stop swinging by my window dream!

Sometimes it all feels unreal, unatural, like a fairy tail...

Like any moment I will open my eyes and wake up from the dream...

Why do I dream? why do I dream the past... wait, but the dream catcher is up!.... what's up with that?

Then it's not a nightmare... it's just a dream, right?

They don't seem like nightmares but they are still horrible!

can dreams mean something?

It's like natural life bitting me in the ass!

Is it really true that if you dream someone they dream you? or they are thinking of you?

I think its true, wait... I want it to be true, it works to my advantage!

Do you dream me too?

How will I know.... How much of my dreams are true...

I've heard stories.... I can confirm that someone elses dreams are true.... But can someone confirm mine?

Please oh oh will someone confirm mine....

Don't you tell me you are mad now!!!

Don't break my heart that way!

not today

not anyday...

If I ask about the dream will you answer?

Baby don't leave me hanging.... answer the dreams... But if they are nightmares in real life.... get away from me negativity!!!



.......

wear sunscreen!

Watch this!!!




Isn't awesome!?.... get's you thinking huh....


good day!!! go do something that scares you!


hah y se rie de mi porque quiero un tat de un tree... F U ignornte... better than your tramp stamp!


......

1st rain of the yr

me levante algo agobiada.... como si fuera lunes... aun estoy en mi cama. Me levantan a las 6 y pico que si llevo a Juan a la escuela, ok chido. Luego entra mi ma a mi recamara para decirme nevermind, he went walking... in the rain! what walking in the rain to school? oh the rain, the first one of the yr... hopefully it rains a lot this year, it's been dry for the past couple of year. Total, se fue porque mi car no prende... no se que le pasa.... mi manana cancelada!!!

Y luego, me siento mal de nuevo... no se porque no me enfermo bien, o que se me quite la infeccion por complete. la garganta me esta matando, cada vez que paso saliva me arden las glandulas! Lo bueno k es mi dia libre y pienso quedarme en camita todo el dia.... de vez en cunado nos hace bien para pensar, tomarme mi te de manzanilla, y refleccionar lo que voy hacer de mi life. But you know what... I'm hopeful... en todos los aspectos de mi vida. si mando vibras positivas recivire energias positivas, well i like to think!


aki les dejo, ya k no pude ir.... y aun k quisiera con la unica persona que me hubiera gusta ir no se puede por razones estupidas!!!! ugh!


pearl! ese eddy what a talent!





today :hopeful

porque la vida tiene k tener cosas mejores, tiene!!!


...

haha

Just to add a lil more to yesterdays topic... Badu got's my back! haha




For those who don't know Badu... she is obviously being sarcastic!



peace homies ehhhhh jaja



.

se me olvido

I forgot.... I keep forgetting how to be skanky and slutty! how to have air in my head, and say "like" after every other word! I forgot to make to act ignorant and how not to be myself... I had forgotten what boys "dig" now a days.... fast! everything super fast, because now people have sex before having feelings.... how did we get to this? how do I fit in to this era? Sometimes I feel I should have been born 50 yrs ago.... or in another country... sometimes the U.S life is too fast, and too selfish! Or maybe this is how things are everyone else and i just don't know it.... Being my age is hard.... with the morals my parents gave me....

Ahhhh someone else will come, someone worth my time, someone who is interested in the personality and brain of this lady, and not the body, i am more than a body, and so are you!!!!


this is getting too depressing, positive thoughts!!! one day i will live under the sea! haha

My Ed always brings me happy thoughts... this was on monday, it was his 23rd! welcome to the club baby boo! cheken los posters detras haha i love gay men and gay bars!!! they are so chilllllll...... jaja

nos vemos! animo a todos los k esten single y sufriendo! haha

Un dia llegara uno k quiera saber de ti, y conoser tu personalidad y no solo lo k esta enmedio de las piernas!

fuera dolor!

haaaaaaaaaaahahaha!